Showing 1-30 of 414 "The reason I talk to myself is considering I'm the just one whose answers I accept."
― George Carlin
"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."
― George Carlin
"Hither's all yous take to know virtually men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the principal reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?
"Religion has actually convinced people that there'southward an invisible human being living in the heaven who watches everything yous do, every minute of every twenty-four hours. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to practice. And if you practice any of these ten things, he has a special identify, total of burn and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to alive and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and always 'til the end of time!
Only He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs coin! He'due south all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle coin!"
― George Carlin
"Fighting for peace is similar screwing for virginity."
― George Carlin
"Have you ever noticed that everyone driving slower than yous is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
― George Carlin
"That's why they phone call it the American Dream, because yous have to be comatose to believe it."
― George Carlin
"May the forces of evil become confused on the style to your house."
― George Carlin
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
― George Carlin
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. "
― George Carlin
"If you lot try to fail, and succeed, which accept you lot done?"
― George Carlin
"I similar it when a bloom or a lilliputian tuft of grass grows through a cleft in the physical. Information technology's so fuckin' heroic."
― George Carlin
"The main reason Santa is and so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
― George Carlin
"Nosotros're so self-important. So big-headed. Everybody'southward going to save something now. Salve the copse, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Relieve the planet? We don't fifty-fifty know how to accept care of ourselves; nosotros haven't learned how to care for one some other. Nosotros're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' keen. It'south been here over iv billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' abroad. And we won't go out much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Mayhap a picayune Styrofoam. The planet will exist here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological error."
― George Carlin
"Some people come across things that are and inquire, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to get to piece of work and don't take time for all that."
― George Carlin
"Meow" means "woof" in cat."
― George Carlin
"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Discover 1 that fits for you, but don't make me clothing your shoes."
― George Carlin
"Men are from Globe, women are from Earth. Bargain with information technology."
― George Carlin
"People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were aught. But it's really a bizarre activeness. 'For the side by side several hours, while the sun is gone, I'thou going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'
If you lot didn't know what slumber was, and you had merely seen information technology in a science fiction picture show, yous would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie y'all'd seen.
They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And and so, once a day, usually after night, they would lie down on these special platforms and go unconscious. They would stop performance about completely, except deep in their minds they would accept adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to some other; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got likewise real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of java.'
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a scientific discipline fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself."
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
― George Carlin
"Remember of how stupid the average person is, and realize one-half of them are stupider than that."
― George Carlin
"The virtually unfair matter about life is the manner it ends. I hateful, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you go at the finish of it? A Expiry! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die beginning, become it out of the way. And so you live in an old age abode. You go kicked out when you're also young, you get a gold sentinel, you go to work. You lot work 40 years until you're young enough to relish your retirement. You exercise drugs, booze, you party, y'all get prepare for loftier school. Yous go to form schoolhouse, you get a kid, y'all play, y'all have no responsibilities, you get a footling baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off every bit an orgasm."
― George Carlin
"Scratch any cynic and you volition notice a disappointed idealist."
― George Carlin
"I don't similar ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell yous, 'In that location is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Possibly not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all toll. Keep your circle small. Never join a grouping that has a name. If they say, "We're the Then-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such equally a union or a merchandise association, go alee and join. But don't participate; it will be your decease. And if they tell you lot you lot're not a squad thespian, congratulate them on being observant."
― George Carlin
"I practise this real moron affair, and it's chosen thinking. And manifestly I'one thousand non a very good American because I similar to form my ain opinions."
― George Carlin
"I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
sure death."
― George Carlin
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where'southward the self-assistance department?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
― George Carlin
"I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."
― George Carlin
"Some people see the glass half full. Others run into it one-half empty.
I come across a drinking glass that's twice as big equally information technology needs to exist."
― George Carlin
"I ofttimes warn people: "Somewhere along the mode, someone is going to tell you lot, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But in that location is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."
― George Carlin
George Carlin > Quotes 
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